depressed friend

[alizemuffin]

Hi there,

i have a very depressed friend, she has low self esteem and is just feeling really down. ive tried helping etc and she has gone to the doctors but nothing. i have tried picking her up but she just doenst seem to want to help herself and that she thinks everyone should help her.

to be honest its really dragging me down, im now getting depressed as i feel im letting her down and she is really putting on me, but i work a full time job, i am trying to set up my business and work 13 hour days then got to go home and cook tea etc, weekends are taken up with housework etc. - but the thing is i feel guilty that i dont have any time to go and see her. she really does do the emotional blackmail and i feel really bad and feel that i should cut out my tea to go and see her or let a client down, which i dont want to do as its hard enough getting them!

i want to help my friend but dont know how. i try to make time for her but its hard as if i had time i would liek to spend it with my bloke.

is there any therapies that i could suggest to my friend to help her - even if its a little bit!? EFT? reiki? etc. i just want her to see that she has to help herself as i know if i pay for her to have a treatment she will just moan about that as she will think it wont work.

help? i think im loosing it now.....

 

[iizdjsour]

Hi Sarah, maybe you should let your friend come for help when she's ready to accept it. everyone, to a great extent, chooses how they feel and she is obviously getting some kind of payback from her behaviour or she wouldn't continue with it. what really concerns me here is YOUR feelings. no-one can make you feel guilty without your permission, you know. why are you doing this to yourself? i get strong feelings of 'i am not worthy' here. it is not necessary for you to save people, work yourself into the ground and deny your own self love and care in order to be good enough, you are enough without all these things. maybe take some time to look at your life and see if you are really in balance and happy here. excuse me if i'm being presumptuous, but perhaps your friend is in some way mirroring things you are denying in your own life? i really hope you can sort this out and be happy,
with love
penny

 

[Yiocywehorpgd]

I have a suggestion that she goes and travelsx

 

[Aloodanis]

The thing here is that no matter how much you try and help your friend the only thing you'll be achieving is to expose yourself to the depression and negativity she exudes and start to have it effect yourself as you've already noticed by the sounds of it.

From my experience, the only way a depressed person can start to get better is to firstly recognise that they have depression, which she has obviously done as she has gone to the doctors, and then to look at the options they have available to help themselves. And that is the key thing... they must want to help themselves. As a friend you can help by just being there for them and helping them to find out about things i.e. what type of depression they have and what types of things can be done to help it, but you mustn't just go and force this onto them without them wanting to know it.

There are various options available to help with depression, some involve prescribed medication from the doctor which can have differing side effects (different for each person who takes them) or may have no side effect for some people. Other options are types of councelling and help groups which can also be arranged through the doctor. Then you come onto natural and alternative therapies. If the depression is because of the lack of seratonin in the brain (which I believe is one of the most common causes) then there are some natural remedies to help with this such as St. John Wort (seek advice from doctor before this one because it can effect other medication especially those females on the Pill) or L5-HTP (L5 hydroxytryptophan) which is a natural bean extract which acts as a seratone supplement. I'm sure there are others too. As far as therapies go, Reiki can be good for helping with emotional issues as well as things like EFT, NLP, Hypnosis etc. Something like EFT will help her to get to the root causes of her issues and deal with these, which could only take a few EFT sessions or may take more depending on the extent of the background cause of them; the good thing with EFT is it's something she could be shown how to do so that she could treat herself in her own time.

I hope this helps her and you.

Love and Reiki Hugs

 

[seensopsync]

Hi Giles- just pondering on the seratonin....if you have a lack of it, rather than bring the natural levels up through alternative remedies is it possible to find out what may be causing the lack (i.e. something in diet) and then take that away to see if it makes a difference???
Let me know what you think, thanx
Eve

 

[UndellBlera]

It's a possibility, if you can track it down.
As a more detailed explanation....(I'm not medically trained so this is quite basic...)
The body produces a hormone which then gets converted by the body into Seratone. This Seratone is then converted by the body into Seratonin which the brain picks up and uses to function and it's this lack of seratonin which can be the cause of depression in a lot of cases. Any Seratonin the brain doesn't pick up is discarded by the body through natural means.
There are some prescribed drugs which cause the body to produce more of the initial hormone (these types of drugs are banned in the U.S. I believe) and there are another sort of drugs (those such as Seroxat) which cause the body to stop discarding the unused Seratonin and recycle it so after a couple of weeks taking such drugs the body builds up a reserve of Seratonin which the brain can use. This is why people on these drugs don't get immediate relief but notice a difference as time goes on. The problem with both of these sorts of drugs is that they are altering the natural way in which the body functions.
There are other drugs such as Prozac etc. but these I believe are a totally different kettle of fish as they do things such as relax the muscles etc and cause a slower response time in people so that they aren't aware of issues as much (hence the "don't operate machinery or drive whilst taking these")
Something like L5-HTP is actually a natural bean extract that is as close to human Seratone as anyone has found. This therefore acts as a supplement (like taking vitimin C tablets etc) and the body just ends up with a larger reserve of Seratone to convert to Seratonin.

I guess you could try and track down where the cause of the individual's issue lies, whether it's the lack of hormone being produced initially or whether it's the brain not picking up enough of the Seratonin and discarding too much etc. and then try and link that to diet or exercise etc. and then once you've identified the cause you could tackle that issue through diet, exercise, EFT etc. I guess there would be no harm in just using EFT to work on "Even though I don't produce enough hormone..." (I really need to look up the name of that hormone again !) or "Even though my brain doesn't use all the Seratonin available...." etc. and see if that helps.

One of the tricky parts of depression is determining the cause. It may just be a simple single thing or it could be a whole load of things all together. Something as simple as getting stressed at work could alter the amount of hormone produced and then you'd have to look at why the person is getting stressed and work on those issues; or it could be a culmination of the person being bullied as a child and then feeling worthless as they've grown up, struggling to get a job, having a failed relationship, losing someone they love and generally feeling like nothing ever goes right for them.

Each case is individual and could be simple of complex and have differing degrees of severity in the depression.

Love and Reiki Hugs

 

[yaqmucew]

Thankyou. Yes, i do nt agree agree with taking anti-depressant drug supplements prescribed from doctors to replace lack of serotonin as your brain can downregulate (receiving cells close down some of receptors to limit number of hits it can get as it tries to keep balanced)as you develop a tolerance to the drug and therefore you then need a higher dosage. You can get all sorts of withdrawal symptoms.
[people who are sugar sensitive have many problems with serotonin levels and Beta Endorphine levels.

If your friend is depressed then alchohol, sweets and drugs may be detrimental to the levels of depression.

I personally find the side affects of alchohol are awful as it gives you mixed up feelings the next day, and you can oh so easily forget that the after effetcs of the alchohol are contributing to the confused depressed state felt. its an awful cycle, so id suggest (if your friend does of course drinkalchohol etc) your friend cuts down the amount of alchohol intake.

If they arent sugar sensitive then it wont have as much of a dramatic affect but it still enhances it and its hard to allow yourself to accept that its the sugar that has worsened the depressive feeling when youre feeling depressed.
xx

 

[delhiris]

Hi all thanks for the replies. I have spoken to my friend and she feels that the main course of her depression is lack of self confidence. she is on tablets to help her loose weight, but she has in the back of her mind, that even tho she is loosing loads of weight (which is what she wanted) that no she will be left with loads of saggy skin which she wont be able to get rid of.

she has gone to see the counceller. But i feel that she is putting on me. i dont want to feel like im the one moaning here, but she thinks that im not being a very good friend as im not seeing her every day, but i just cant physically see her often, and she says im contributing to her depression as im the only one who can help her!!! All i am is positive with her and i give her praise all the time, look on all the good things she has achieved, tell her she is wonderful and beautiful - but nothing. i dont know what else i can do to help her! she thinks it is down to me to help her.....but its not! i have problems of my own which im trying to sort out, but occording to her they are not as bad as hers so i should be helping her first not sorting out my own....and im not prepared to do that....and when i tell her this....its back to the 'im not being a good friend'...........

ho hum....

 

[Leah C]

ohm -inhale, ahh-exhale!
You have every right to be there when you can and not there when you cannot. You cannot be bullied into being there for someone on their terms only. And it shows strength and support on your part that you are not afraid to let her aware of your limits. she will learn alot from this in the future.
It probably comes down to her feeding off your positivity and then when you're not there she feels lost without it. SO it sounds like she's clinging on to it, and you, and i feel for her at this time as i believe at times in our lives it sometimes doesnt feel like we can cope on our own, especially when in emotional turmoil, yet she needs to be reminded that she can cope, and does cope , and that in order for your friendship to grow in health, you need her to take the initiative in beginning to find her own way in the help that she seeks.
Sending much love and support to the both of you
Evexxx

 

[Lexicographer]

friendship is a two way street.
have you read 'the celestine phrophecy' chapter three on energy stealing? might find it interesting! psychic vampire springs to mind!

 

[Going with Logic!]

yer i do feel like she is clinging on to me and my positivity. I know that she is jealous of my life, and trys to put me down or bring me down with her, and i dont think that is friendship.

i just dont know what to do really.

i feel like i dont want to see her again - yes i do feel drained, and thats a horrible thing to say, it just brings me down. and i feel bad that i just dont know what to do now to help her! ive done the nice way, the pity way, the harsh way, the telling it how it is way, the ignoring it way - but nothing. the thing with her is that if she doesnt like what she hears then she ignores it!!! the only thing she wants to her is pity for her, putting her first, lending her money etc. but i cant do that! so what can i do!?

 

[Blair]

Hi Sarah, Sorry to hear about this. Sadly you have got yourself into a situation from which neither of you can easily extricate yourselves. But you mustn't let yourself be dragged down.
You are obviously suffering now as well as your friend, so there are two problems.
First, your situation. As you say, you have your own problems. You also have your own life to lead. You have been a very good friend to this woman, but nobody ever said friendship had to involve martyrdom or sainthood. It sounds as though you have done everything you can - and it has not solved the problem. It seems to me that the best course of action for both of you would be for you to withdraw a bit at this stage. Whether you spell this out to her or just do it without telling her is up to you, depending on how you feel your friend can handle that, but it sounds to me as if it has got to be done. After all, what has your involvement achieved so far? Your friend has become dependent on you and the emotional crutch you provide - and you have become miserable. It may sound harsh, but cut yourself loose a bit and withdraw much of your own emotional involvement in her condition. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your nearest and dearest. Allow yourself to be dragged down too and you are only adding to the sum total of misery in the world.
As for your friend, she may not appreciate it but she has taken the first step to recovery by recognising she has a problem and going to the doctor. Let there be no doubt about this: depression is an illness. And, like any other illness, how she is treated by the medical profession will make all the difference to her recovery. I understand why people say they don't like the idea of antidepressant drugs (who would?) but it is important to know if they are speaking from experience. My wife was severely depressed for several years and, although counselling and cognitive therapy helped her, it was, to be blunt, the drugs that saved her life. Sad to say, she was also helped by the fact that our GP had suffered depression herself, recognised the symptoms, and went out of her way to help my wife. Not everyone gets this "lucky" break, of course.
Giles is right about the range of drugs and their different effects. Prozac did nothing for my wife (except stop her having orgasms - one of her few remaining pleasures!). But at about the third attempt, they found the right drug and it worked - eventually. It's a slow business and it will take your friend a long time to recover if she is severely depressed. But she must start with wanting to recover. You can push her in the right direction, but you can't force her.
Be a good friend to her by being a good friend to yourself. Sorry about the long message, but be strong - and good luck!

 

[BeveNerimehiP]

PS One more quick thought about antidepressants... I don't think I've met a pregnant woman yet who hasn't said she wants a "natural" birth. But once the pain kicks in, many - if not most - very quickly change their minds about wanting pain relief.
Antidepressants are a bit like that. In an ideal world, most of us would prefer not to take them. Unfortunately, when you are suffering from depression, the world appears far from ideal. My wife fell out a bit with a friend who was a psychotherapist because of this - but it was the drugs that saved her, not a cosy chat with a therapist.
That's not to belittle the work of therapists - obviously! - but you wouldn't treat a broken leg, or meningitis, with counselling, would you? Sometimes it is a cure that's needed.
Hope I'm not being too controversial here, but I am speaking from experience (though I do of course appreciate that everyone's experience is different).

 

[Ariana]

Thank you supersub. i dont think she is on anti-depressents at the moment, but she thinks she should be.

i have distanced myself from her but all she does is keep on about how im not being a good friend to her.

ive actually been loosing my temper with her at the moment, which i am really ashamed of myself about, but she just keeps on and its reallybringing me down. there is nothing else i can say to her to try and help and she doesnt take any of my advise.

i do feel sorry for her as it must be terrible feelinglike that, but i have been getting numb to the situation, and been feeling like i just dont care anymore. the only things that come out of her mouth are to complain and moan and i just feel like crying! i dont want to ignore her, but then again there is nothing else i can say to her.

she texted me yesterday to tell me that this girl at her work said something nasty to her and so she went straight to her manager to complain about her and to ask for her to get a written warning! - to me i feel the best thing to of done was to speak to the girl - but know she thinks that a written warning was the only thing that would of helped.

im at my wits end.....i just dont know what to do. all i want to do is tell her what i think but i know this will just make the situation worse, as she will just be all "oh well your nto a good friend, i thought i coiuld count on you but your like everyone else just sh!tting on me" etc etc etc. but what else can i do. if i dont answer her its wrong, if i do and dont give her pity its wrong.....help......

 

[Light Yagami]

Dear Periwinkle - it sounds as though from her point of view you can do nothing right. You've put yourself out endlessly for her. She is bringing you down.
She is responsible for her own happiness.
She's making you miserable and desperate.
Presumably you've passed on all this helpful advice - it's up to her now.
Enough is enough.

Cut her off

I've done something similar, under different circumstances. It worked for me. I feel regret sometimes, but it doesn't match the relief I feel at releasing myself from my unpaid unwanted employment.

Imagine your relief if she wasn't your "friend" anymore.

Sharonx

 

[raburtta halford]

Hi Sarah...

I think it is a good thing for you to create a little distance between the two of you if her behaviour is busy affecting you and dragging you down also. Not a very healthy situation.

I am tempted to say, she has to snap out of it and deal with things, but when one is in that black hole you just can't see any perspective. It is very difficult so see that your own behaviour is what is causing you even more distress and just drags you down deeper. Not a nice place to be and not easy to come out of.

She definitely sound very depressed and down and unhappy. All you can do is be quietly strong for her. But to remember it is usually the people closest to this kind of person whom they lash out to. It is very common. If it get too much to handle then it is better for yourself to let it go and stay away from her. But if you think you can cope then it would do her the world of good to have a good friend around.
When she has come through the tunnel to the other end you will both appreciate it.

Amber

 

[Pompal 09.]

thats the thing, i feel like my life and most of my stress would be gone if i didnt have her im my life, but then i feel really bad that im not doing more to help her....but what more can i do?

alot of her problems she brings on herself, so this is why i cant feel any sympathy for her - she seems to make problems out of nothing. (she has been evicted from her house as she forgot or didnt sign the contract....now she is going to a solicitor to see if she can sue them.....? but she cant see it was her own fault!).

it is really dragging me down (and thank you everyone for listening to me moan....i really hope i dont sound like my friend!) and no matter what i do its never right.

she needs to help herself, but her view is that everyone else should help her - so she goes no where.

i just feel like giving up......

 

[Insicesleeshy]

Sarah,
You've done enough. Why should you feel guilty? You call this woman your friend but in what way is she now your friend? Maybe in the past she was different but it does sound as if this friendship has come to the end of the road. Friendship is a two-way thing. Your relationship with this woman is purely one-way (unless you count the grief you are getting bounced back to you).
Cut her off now. Don't feel bad about it. Maybe one day she will recover and realise what she lost when she drove you away, and just maybe she will then want to renew the friendship in some sort of meaningful and rewarding way. But don't count on it... walk away now and save yourself.

 

[Pompal 09.]

Hi periwinkle,

I agree with the advice on this column, however I also know its very difficult to cut somebody off when you are in a situation like this even though you know you should.

I can try to offer some practical advice though on how to make the situation better:-

If you see your friend try and avoid places where indepth conversation can occur i.e. her home or a long telephone call, try going to the cinema or out to eat where it is easier to talk about subjects other than her problems.

Speak the truth - i.e. if she's moaning about something and you think it was her fault, tell her, often this stops people who suck you energy in their tracks.

Try telling her some of your problems, often I find that my friends tell me their problems and want advice but im quite private and don't like to put my worries on somebody else, but like already mentioned friendship is a 2 way street and you may find this helps her to appreciate you more.

I hope your friendship can weather this storm but it may be some time before you friend is ready to help herself, until then you need to decide how much more to give, if you would like to save the relationship I would create an emotional distance between you as the longer this goes on the less likely you will have a longstanding friendship.

Hope this helps

BomyXX

 

[Crissa]

yes it will be VERY difficult to cut her off. she always talks about 'how things would be better if she wasnt on this earth' which worries me as i dont want to be a cause in anything like that.

i think it will have to be that i will have to tell her. i know she wont like it, and it will be turned round to make it that im not a very good friend and never there for her, but its bringing me down, so whats the worse that could happen!?

i dont like the person i have become while feeling like this - and im very snappy and quite numb to other peoples feelings.

just have to find the right time to tell her things, it not going to be easy, but i cant go on like this.