Something To Offend Everyone

[Me no know]

I got these via email and I can bet there are some new favourites in this bunch for you!!!!

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I

Q. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A. Juan on Juan.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A. One US leader.

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's the difference between a girlReviewiend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.

Q. What's the difference between a boyReviewiend and husband?
A. 45 minutes.

5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyReviewiends.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. mpter a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A. Because they have cotton balls.

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A. Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace will do that to you.

Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A. He walks around saying "Yo."

Q. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Reviewidays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A. They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

Q. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the Reviewont of the cage along with... "a recipe".

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Q. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A. No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan;
today they call it the PGA TOUR.

hehehehehehe

 

[jay7]

Thanks Naughty Nikki. Those one-liners are brilliant. Can't imagine anyone getting offended with those. But I didn't get the one about the dyslexic rabbit. Yo? yo? nup don't get it. Thanks also to Raven. Love your sense of humour you guys.

 

[Arabella]

Merlin...

... the joke was a dyslexic RABBI, not rabbit! Thus, instead of saying "Oy!" (imagine the Nanny saying it) he says "Yo!"

Have to confess that imagining you, brow wrinkled, picturing a rabbit with spelling problems yelling out "Yo!", was funnier than some of the gags

 

[ilovemuffins235]

Just love those jokes!! Thanks people, postings like these really make my day. So here is my addition to them. Some may find "Something to Offend Themselves" in it!

Subject: What religion is your bra???

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly
walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to
buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look
around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all
of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to
choose Reviewom. "Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the
Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences
between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Bra Sizes?
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but
couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time
you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double Dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

 

[Beautifiedmami]

Oh dislexic RABBI. Tks NLB, but I still don't get it.

 

[Amira]

...

...........

 

[loadedtomcat]

Did you hear about...

The dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic?

Lies awake at night wondering if there is a Dog...

 

[rightnow]

Lets see if this offends

I find the worst thing about being a heart-lung recipient is coughing up someone elses sputum.

 

[sun8979]

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! LOL!!!!

 

[gc1j]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted............

 

[dixonrs]

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;

the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

 

[Stormy]

Self-explanatory

Dear soon-to-be husband,

I thank you whole-heartedly for considering me to be your future wife.

We have a very bright future ahead of us, and it can be even brighter if you take note to a few things that are a part of what makes a marriage between a man and a woman work and become successful. Please take the time to read over the conditions below that I have set-forth for you.

1. I will not do any dishes by hand, if you expect me to do dishes, either hire a maid or buy a dishwasher. You can locate one at any appliance store between $200 and $400.

2. I will not wash your laundry in the bathtub while you work over-time to save up for a washer. I will not pack wet clothes into a laundry basket and tote it to any clothes line. I must have a working washer and dryer to do laundry. If you expect me to pack our dirty laundry into my vehicle and take it to a public Laundromat, you can do it yourself....3 towns away where no one knows us.

3. I will not get on my hands and knees to scrub any floors. I must have a Swiffer mop and Swiffer broom if you expect to have clean floors. That manual stuff is for the birds...or you can again, hire a maid.

4. I will not clean up mpter your Reviewiends at anytime during our marriage. If they make a mess be it puke, piss or simply leaving their glass on the coffee table....it's your responsibility and not mine!

5. I will not entertain your folks while you skip out on me. If your folks come over for the day or the weekend, I expect you to give me the Neiman Marcus card and JC Penny card so that I may go on an all day shopping venture or at least the Master Card so that I can rent a room in the town's finest hotel. There is no way I am doing your job for you!

6. I will not take out the trash. If you won't do it, look forward to repairing the garbage disposal in the sink because that is where the tv remote, your cell phone, your car keys, and your baseball cards will go if I EVER have to ask you to take out the trash more than once!

7. I am not about to stoop over and pick up your clothing Reviewom the floor. If you leave your clothes on the floor and they are not placed in the laundry hamper, I will politely donate them to the Good Will or to some other agency...I don't care if you did drive to one hundred different stores to find your favorite shirt.

8. I will not tolerate your neglect to flush mpter you use the bathroom. I don't like sitting on a pissy toilet seat or having dirty water splashing up on my ass so if you want to avoid me taking a piss on you...you'll flush! Plain and simple!

9. You are responsible for paying 70% of the bills. I pay less because society, mpter all these years, is still critical of a woman in the workplace, therefore you make more then me. Every time you get a raise, you get another bill.

10. Sex is something that we should both enjoy. Therefore when I say I don't feel like it, don't ask me again later. For every time you ask me for sex, mpter I have told you once that I don't feel like it, is another day you don't get any. If I ask you for sex and you put me off, your Reviewiend gets it and you still don't get any.

Sincerely,
Your soon-to-be Wife

 

[Aseel]

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